What makes me happy?

Sometimes when you get the call you just have to act.  No, that is not nature calling.  This is an impulse, that's not physical.  It's 'a ya gotta do it' moment.

And that happened to me a few days ago.  I just felt impelled to call a friend.  I wouldn't call her a best friend. I don't do anything social with her at all!

As I was asking about how she was...she was the usual stoic voice.  All is fine.  All is well.  I just wanted to know she was okay.  I know there was a lot going on, in all aspects of her life.

The subject came up...what makes each of us happy?  Neither of us could answer at that time.  It demands a lot of thought...what makes me happy.

I recalled when our family was racing two boats in a regatta on Monterey Bay.  The kids had one, The Right Schu (a borrowed boat), and Carl and I had the other, The Left Schu.  Carl was left-handed.  We used electrical tape to slap the names on the sterns of the boats.  

At the end of that day, I was asked by Carl if I had a good time. He obviously had a great time, sailing with his nearly adult kids. I said 'it was okay.'  It was pleasant.  It was fun watching the kids disappear into the calm fog in their 'yacht', and hear them bickering back and forth across the bay about what and who was doing when and where.  Gosh, I wondered if they had a compass and knew how to use it, or were sailing out to sea?  That was my mom's moment.  Not so happy - until I saw them.

Then they all wanted to know what made me happy.  I made a mess of answering their questions...because I couldn't.  And today, I still don't know how to answer that.

Memories make me happy.  But they also make me sad sometimes. I try to be happy most of the time..when I'm not working or worrying or planning or putting fires out for clients.  Actually I work to be happy when I am working or worrying or planning or putting fires out for clients.  What is my job to do, should make me happy because it's one of the gifts I'm given.

I told my friend that some people just know how to give unequivocally and unconditionally.  And many of us turn it all down, turn it all away.  I hoped that she could accept that type of gift when it came, no matter how or when.

I told my friend how ambiguous I felt about happiness.  I told her when I felt the emptiness.  I told her when I knew happiness was filling me up.  

I think that I'm moving towards a different kind of happiness, these past years. Something that goes deeper. I think I'm happiest when I feel God close by. That's when happiness transcends itself into one-ness.  "I wish I could say or experience that more often," one of my religious teachers used to say.

When I see people who have years of experience, who have a solid peace about them...happiness is more then a smile on a face.  It really is inward.  It's knowing what you really know.  Nothing can change any of it. Nothing.  Nothing.

 I told my friend that my goal these days was not to create.  I just needed to listen.  Not with my ears.  It was with my heart.  To God.  And it's pretty much a one-way street.  (S)He talks and I choose (or not), to listen. Then I'm supposed to act.  That can be a rather daunting series of moments, hours, days or years!

I think the answer is.... good outward must first be reflected inward.  That's the grace that comes with experience.  I don't see it often in myself.  But I know it's there somewhere.

I think we talked for either side of 45 minutes.  We cried together.  I'm not sure what about.  We felt better.

Happiness....I'm still thinking about that.  And probably will for a long time.

Live richly,  marilyn

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